


Let Go

by agentwidow



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, Friendship, Hopeful Ending, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 14:54:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14107785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agentwidow/pseuds/agentwidow
Summary: As Shuri gets ready to reboot the Winter Soldier's mind, he is expected to be freed of all the terrifying memories of HYDRA, and everything they made him do. Unfortunately, he is bound to forget about his time with Natasha Romanoff, the Black Widow, the only person who kept him alive during those dark days. But she will remember. For the sake of the greater good, they say their last goodbyes.





	Let Go

"Ms. Romanoff?"  
"Yes?"  
"I'm Shuri, I overlook most of Wakanda's technological development. Oh, I'm also T'Challa's sister. If you don't mind, I'd like to speak with you, if you'd follow me?"  
"Of course."  
Natasha followed Shuri into an extremely sophisticated laboratory, nothing like she'd ever seen before, better than even Stark tech.  
"Is this your lab? No wonder Bruce was so excited. Tony would go crazy if he saw this. He'd probably live here if he could," Nat smiled to herself, realising that she missed her favourite "philanthrobot" a bit more than she'd admit.  
"That would be amazing, really. I personally cannot wait to meet Mr. Stark!" Shuri beamed.  
Natasha thought about how Tony might want to adopt this young girl, too. Yes, she'd get along well with the Spiderling. She was snapped out of her bubble when she heard Shuri say "...so I think I'm ready to reboot Sergeant Barnes. I'm really happy that he'll be able to retain most of his past memories, except those related to his time with HYDRA."  
"Oh, that's good, we'll need him," Nat said, knowing very well what the little genius was about to ask of her.  
"But I wanted to talk to you about...Bucky, he told me to call him that, he was telling me about his time in Russia, not only with HYDRA, but with the KGB too, and he mentioned you. I'm sorry if this feels like an...uh...invasion of privacy, but I know what happened between both of you. Everything, from your time training together, your missions, Budapest, all that," Shuri ended hastily, slightly concerned about the expression on the Widow's face.  
" He won't remember me," Nat said quietly.  
"I'm sorry, but to permanently erase the effect of the trigger words, I have to remove all memories he has of his life as the Winter Soldier. That's why I think you should have a word with him before I start the process," Shuri gently laid down the truth.

Natasha felt her stomach drop. All those bloodstained memories came rushing back, tainted, yet so dear to her. Years ago, when her childhood, her innocence was being stripped away, when they trained her to hide Natalia Alianovna Romanova behind the cold-blooded facade of the Black Widow. What seemed like a lifetime ago, in the midst of the frozen Siberian tundra, she had found solace in a certain James Buchanan Barnes, her Winter Soldier. He had trained her, hardened her; and she had brought out the human behind his cold eyes. Even when they were bound to their duties to the Motherland, little by little, they discovered the forgotten parts of themselves, and found much needed warmth in each other, just enough to keep them from giving up.  
She also remembered the day they had found out about them, how they had dragged him away and wiped his mind right in front of her, watching his blue eyes turn icy.  
"What have they done to you?" she had cried.  
"Love is for children" they had told her, as hot tears streamed down her cheeks. Once again they snatched away the one fragment of humanity she had regained. They had wiped her as well, later. But over the years, she had remembered again. Whether he remembered her, she never knew, given how many times they had messed with his mind.

Natasha considered herself lucky that she got away. That blessed day in Budapest, when she had tried to get back to James, the very same day, Agent Clint Barton had given her a second chance. She had left James behind again. No, that wasn't him, that was the weapon HYDRA wanted him to be. Either way, he was hers, and she had left him at their mercy, to claim a better life for herself, swearing that one day she'd come back for him. But whenever she tried, she failed- Odessa, Washington D.C, Berlin, every single time. When Steve had finally done what she couldn't do herself, she felt him slip out of her grasp again.

Shuri led her into the chamber to meet James, no, "Barnes". Not everyone needed to know. She wasn't in love with him anymore, time does that to people, but she'd always love him. She had erased his touch, his whispers, his warmth from her mind and memory, but she would never forget all he had done for her, everything he once meant to her. She was human, after all. Beneath the cold, calculating mask of an Avenger, she was still that red-haired girl who'd found a home in a blue-eyed boy from Brooklyn. And now, it was time to say goodbye.  
Natasha bit back tears, trying not to look at him, but eventually she did, and his smile made her want to tell Shuri not to do anything to him, because she wanted him to hold on to those memories, too. But, no, she must not be selfish, she reminded herself.  
"I'll leave you two alone. Call me when...if you need something," Shuri said, warily.

 

"Natalia."  
"James."  
She pulled him into her arms, and he tightened the embrace. As if trying to memorise her, as if he wanted to etch her touch into his skin. As if he didn't want to forget.  
"I didn't think you'd actually remember me." Nat said, green eyes glossing over.  
"It was impossible to forget you, Natashka. They could've taken everything from me, even my life, but not you," he breathed a sigh of relief.  
"But they did. And I tried to come back, but..."  
"It's alright, I wouldn't have been what you wanted to see anyway. But now, I...I don't know, Natalia, I have to do this. Steve needs me, you all need me. But I don't want to forget you," he was tearing up again.

"You don't have to. You can meet me again, and this time, we can start over. Nobody will take you away, or me. We can be friends, the comrades that we needed to be back then, but they never let us. It's going to be okay, James. You'll never lose me. We'll have each others' backs till the end of the line, remember?" Nat heard herself say, yet again burying all her feelings in the same void where all her secrets lay.  
James smiled a real, bright smile. He was ready. She, maybe not, but she had to let go. At least she'd remember all that he wouldn't.  
She placed a kiss on his cheek, overflowing with all the warmth of a love that was years overdue, compensating for all those moments she couldn't be with him.  
"I'll see you soon, soldier. Goodbye."  
"Bye, Natashka, I love you."  
The Widow just smiled, thinking- "I always will."  
She walked out, leaving him behind, but this time, she knew he wouldn't be alone, or cold. He was going to find peace of mind, and maybe in another life, she would find him again, she would love him again.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the angst. Also sorry for not making them endgame, because I wanted to keep it canon compliant to the MCU at the moment. But as a huge BuckyNat shipper, I tried to do their relationship some justice.
> 
> For more impact (read : pain), listen to Medicine by Daughter. (Apologies in advance)
> 
> [The end is inspired by the lyrics of Explosions by Ellie Goulding.]


End file.
